Book Summary: 12 Rules for Life

Stand up straight with your shoulders back

• Lobsters and Territory:
  • Lobsters establish dominance hierarchies to secure scarce resources like hiding places.
  • They have complex territorial displays and combat rituals to determine social status without excessive damage.
  • Lobsters' brain chemistry changes based on their position in the hierarchy, with winners having higher serotonin levels.
• Unequal Distribution:
  • The principle of unequal distribution applies across many domains, from wealth to scientific output to classical music.
  • A small fraction of individuals produce the majority of output, while the majority produce very little.
  • This "winner-take-all" pattern is seen in human societies and can be modeled mathematically.
• The Nature of Nature:
  • Nature is not a static, harmonious entity, but a dynamic system of chaos and order.
  • The environment that selects for "fitness" is constantly changing, requiring organisms to adapt.
  • Dominance hierarchies are a near-eternal aspect of the environment, shaping the evolution of complex life.
• The Primordial Calculator:
  • Humans have an ancient part of the brain that monitors social status and position in hierarchies.
  • This system affects mood, physiology, and behavior, with low-status individuals exhibiting more stress and illness.
  • Positive feedback loops can amplify the effects of one's perceived status, for better or worse.
• Standing Up Straight:
  • Adopting an upright, confident posture can trigger positive feedback loops, improving mood and social perception.
  • Standing up straight represents accepting the responsibilities of life and working to improve one's situation.
  • This can help break negative cycles and allow one to pursue a more meaningful, productive existence.

Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping

• The Issue of Noncompliance:
  • Many patients often fail to properly take their prescribed medications.
  • Doctors and psychologists tend to blame patients for this noncompliance, but the responsibility lies with the healthcare provider.
  • Providers must offer advice and interventions that patients will follow and follow up to ensure desired results.
• Caring More for Pets Than Ourselves:
  • People are more diligent about properly administering medication to their pets than to themselves.
  • This reveals a disturbing tendency to care more about our pets than ourselves.
  • The author explores the biblical story of Adam and Eve to understand this phenomenon.
• The Genesis Account and Self-Consciousness:
  • In the Genesis story, Adam and Eve's eyes are opened, making them aware of their nakedness and vulnerability.
  • This self-consciousness leads to shame, fear, and a reluctance to walk with God.
  • The author suggests this self-awareness and moral knowledge of good and evil is a key factor in humanity's tendency to doubt its own value.
• The Spark of the Divine:
  • Despite humanity's flaws and capacity for evil, we retain a spark of the divine, being made in God's image.
  • We have the semi-divine capacity for consciousness and the ability to create order from chaos.
  • The author encourages treating ourselves with the same care and respect we would show someone we are responsible for helping.
• Taking Responsibility for Ourselves:
  • We must define who we are, refine our personalities, and choose our destinations.
  • By taking care of ourselves, we can work to make the world a better place and bring about heaven on earth.
  • Treating ourselves with the care we would show someone we are responsible for helping can help us overcome shame and self-consciousness.

Make friends with people who want the best for you

• The Importance of Supportive Friendships:
  • In the author's small hometown of Fairview, winters were long, dark and isolating, making friends crucial for young people.
  • The author had a friend, Chris, whose anger, nihilism and self-destructive behavior dragged him down.
  • Chris's cousin Ed also drifted into aimlessness and drug use, unable to escape his negative peer group.
• The Dangers of Unhealthy Friendships:
  • Teenage parties in Fairview were dismal affairs filled with aimlessness, substance abuse and violence.
  • When the author moved to the city, he tried to help Ed but found him surrounded by a bad influence who was "spaced out" and useless.
  • The author realized that helping those who don't want to be helped can be futile and even detrimental to oneself.
• Choosing Friendships Wisely:
  • The author warns against the temptation to "rescue" troubled individuals, as it can feed one's own ego and lead to mutual downfall.
  • It's important to assess why someone is in trouble and whether they are genuinely motivated to improve, rather than just seeking attention or an easy way out.
  • Surrounding oneself with people who want the best and bring out the best in you is crucial for personal growth and success.
• The Power of Positive Influence:
  • When the author left his hometown and made new, like-minded friends in college, he was able to thrive and pursue more positive goals.
  • Belonging to a group that shares your values and ambitions can sustain motivation and reinforce healthy habits.
  • Choosing friends wisely is a "reciprocal arrangement" - you should surround yourself with people who want you to succeed, just as you should want the best for them.

Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today

• The Trap of Comparison:
  • In the modern world, we are constantly surrounded by successful individuals, making it easy to feel inadequate by comparison.
  • There will always be someone better than us at something, leading to a feeling of worthlessness and a never-ending pursuit of unattainable goals.
  • This tendency to compare ourselves to others is a "cliché of nihilism" that can make us doubt the value of our own endeavors and lives.
• The Importance of Individuality:
  • As we mature, we become more unique and less comparable to others, with our own specific problems and circumstances.
  • Trying to adhere to a single standard of success is inappropriate, as we each have our own particular talents, weaknesses, and life trajectories.
  • It's important to recognize and appreciate our own individual values and what is meaningful to us, rather than basing our self-worth on comparisons to others.
• Embracing Progress and Growth:
  • Instead of comparing ourselves to others, we should focus on comparing ourselves to our past selves, tracking our own personal growth and progress.
  • By setting small, achievable goals and celebrating our incremental improvements, we can build a sense of meaning and accomplishment.
  • This approach of aiming for a slightly better version of ourselves each day can lead to profound transformations over time.
• Redefining Success:
  • Success should not be defined by a singular, universal standard, but by our own personal values and what we consider meaningful in our lives.
  • We should embrace the diversity of "good games" available to us, and strive to excel at the ones that match our unique talents and situations.
  • By focusing on our own trajectory and not worrying about how we measure up to others, we can find more fulfillment and a greater sense of purpose.

Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them

• Avoiding Indulgence and Enabling Misbehavior:
  • Parents should not let their children behave in ways that make the parents dislike them, even if the parents want their children's friendship above all.
  • Undisciplined children can become disruptive, and parents who are afraid to correct them end up depriving their children of opportunities to learn proper social behavior.
  • Poorly socialized children often struggle to make friends and develop properly, which can lead to loneliness, depression, and antisocial tendencies later in life.
• The Importance of Discipline:
  • Discipline is an act of responsibility and a combination of mercy and long-term judgment, not anger or revenge.
  • Rules should be limited but enforced consistently using the minimum necessary force, following the principle of "minimum necessary force".
  • Effective discipline techniques include time-outs, restraint, and even mild physical punishment in extreme cases, as long as they are applied thoughtfully and proportionately.
• Avoiding Parental Resentment and Hostility:
  • Parents must be aware of their own capacity for harshness, resentment, and vengeance, and avoid letting those feelings build up and poison the parent-child relationship.
  • Parents should come in pairs to provide mutual support and prevent mistakes or overreactions when dealing with difficult child behaviors.
  • The primary duty of parents is to make their children socially desirable, not to ensure their constant happiness or foster unlimited creative freedom.
• The Rewards of Proper Socialization:
  • A well-socialized child will be polite, engaging, and welcomed by both peers and adults.
  • Proper discipline and clear rules help children develop social skills, emotional maturity, and the ability to thrive in the world beyond the family.
  • Disciplining children, though difficult, is an act of love and responsibility that benefits the child, the family, and society as a whole.

Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world

• The Religious Problem:
  • Mass murderers like those at Sandy Hook Elementary, the Colorado theatre, and Columbine High School view the world as corrupt and evil, and themselves as supreme adjudicators of reality.
  • Their destructive actions stem from a deep existential problem, similar to Mephistopheles in Goethe's Faust who rejects the value of existence.
• Vengeance vs. Transformation:
  • The desire for vengeance, though understandable given terrible experiences, can lead to further destruction and perpetuation of evil.
  • However, it is also possible to learn from suffering and transform oneself, as exemplified by the author's acquaintances who overcame abusive pasts to become good people.
• Responsibility and Self-Reflection:
  • The author contrasts the ancient Hebrews, who blamed themselves for their misfortunes, with those who judge reality itself as flawed.
  • He encourages readers to start small by taking responsibility for their own lives and habits before criticizing the world.
• Cleaning Up Your Life:
  • The author suggests starting to stop doing what you know is wrong, and making incremental improvements in your own behavior and responsibilities.
  • This can lead to reduced bitterness, clearer judgment, and the ability to face life's inevitable tragedies with greater equanimity.

Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient)

• The Tragedy of Self-Conscious Being:
  • Life is suffering, a fact since Adam and Eve's exile from Paradise.
  • This suffering motivates the desire for immediate selfish gratification and expediency.
  • But sacrifice and work serve better than short-term pleasure at keeping suffering at bay.
• The Problem of Evil:
  • Conscious human malevolence can break the spirit even tragedy could not shake.
  • The rise of self-consciousness brought the realization of mortality and the knowledge of good and evil.
  • Evil enters the world with self-consciousness, as seen in the story of Cain and Abel.
• Confronting Evil:
  • Christ confronts Satan in the desert, rejecting temptations of expediency.
  • Dostoevsky's "The Grand Inquisitor" depicts the church's watering down of Christ's moral demands.
  • Nietzsche critiques the church's removal of moral responsibility from followers.
• The Search for Meaning:
  • Descartes' search for an indisputable foundation leads to the realization of suffering's reality.
  • Aligning one's values and actions with the alleviation of unnecessary suffering is a worthy pursuit.
  • Meaning is the organization of expedient actions into a harmonious, life-affirming symphony of Being.

Tell the truth—or, at least, don’t lie

• The Spiral of Deceit:
  • Starts with a small lie, leading to more lies to cover it up.
  • Distorted thinking follows to avoid the shame of lies.
  • Automatized, specialized lying becomes unconscious belief and action.
• From Lies to Arrogance:
  • Success with lies breeds arrogance and superiority, leading to a sense of manipulation.
  • The individual believes reality and others can be manipulated, losing respect for truth.
• Descend into Hell:
  • Chaos and disintegration follow as lies destroy the relationship with reality and truth.
  • Misery and bitterness emerge, hope dwindles, leading to desires for personal revenge.
  • Transition to Hell is marked by viewing the world as set on personal suffering and destruction.
• The Power of Truth:
  • Truth transforms chaos into order, building structures that can stand the test of time.
  • Truth feeds the poor, clothes the needy, and enriches nations by reducing complexity to simplicity.
  • Personal truth is unique, building security, abundance in life, and ensuring a benevolent future.
  • Telling the truth aids in confronting life's tragedies graciously, avoiding the desire for vengeance.

Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t

• Psychotherapy vs. Advice:
  • Psychotherapy involves genuine conversation, exploration, articulation, and strategizing.
  • Listening is essential in psychotherapy to understand people's problems and help them find solutions.
  • Contrasted with advice, which can come off as condescending or unhelpful in complex situations.
• Mutual Exploration in Conversation:
  • Engaging in mutual exploration through conversation allows individuals to learn and form deeper understandings.
  • This type of conversation involves probing complex topics, genuine interest, and the willingness to learn from each other.
  • It requires respect for each other's insights, meditative listening, and a search for truth rather than dominating the discussion.
• Conversational Styles:
  • Various conversational styles include dominance hierarchy maneuvers, witty exchanges, philosophical dialogues, and lectures.
  • The effectiveness of a conversation lies in the level of engagement, respect, and the mutual pursuit of truth.
  • Listening plays a crucial role in all types of conversations, shaping understanding and fostering meaningful connections.

Be Precise in Your Speech

• Wheat from Chaff:
  • Precision in language separates unique events from vague possibilities.
  • Precise speech clarifies reality, reducing chaos and uncertainty.
  • Ignoring reality leads to confusion and suffering, chaos becomes dominant.
• The Construction of Soul and World:
  • Language organizes the soul and the world, guides perception and action.
  • Confronting chaos with precise language helps in setting new goals and navigating uncertainties.
• Turning and Turning in the Widening Gyre:
  • Ignoring problems leads to larger chaos, clarity prevents the manifestation of unseen monsters.
  • Admitting mistakes, speaking honestly, and confronting difficulties are essential for a better life.
  • Being specific in communication helps in reducing complexities and driving towards habitable order.

Do not bother children when they are skateboarding

• Danger and Mastery:
  • Admiration for daring skateboarders performing dangerous stunts on handrails, displaying courage and skill.
  • Dangerous activities allow boys to test limits, gain competence and become truly safe.
  • Overprotection robs people of opportunities to develop and face unexpected challenges.
• Success and Resentment:
  • Postmodern philosophers like Derrida claimed hierarchies exist to exclude and oppress.
  • But competence, not power, largely determines success in well-functioning societies.
  • Resentment often stems from unsuccessful people being unwilling to better themselves.
• Self-Appointed Judges of the Human Race:
  • Some thinkers like the Columbine shooters appointed themselves judges of humanity's flaws.
  • Equating humans with a plague or cancer can dangerously justify extermination.
  • Environmental extremism can promote anti-human sentiments for the sake of the planet.
• The Patriarchy: Help or Hindrance?
  • Culture develops over millennia from efforts of both men and women to improve life.
  • The idea of an oppressive historical patriarchy lacks evidence and dismisses women's contributions.
  • Many male-championed innovations like anaesthesia and tampons helped free women.
• Postmodernism and the Long Arm of Marx:
  • Marxist humanists influenced current feminist/gender theories that aim to critique Western civilization.
  • Such doctrines falsely claim gender differences stem solely from socialization, not biology.
  • Enforced equality of outcomes regardless of individual differences is propagandistic and impractical.
• Boys into Girls:
  • Advocating for socializing boys like girls ignores biological roots of human aggression.
  • Masculine consciousness and independence are necessary for both genders to mature properly.
  • Undermining masculinity in boys can foster resentment and increase fascist tendencies.
• Toughen Up, You Weasel:
  • Men enforce codes of behavior through hazing to weed out dependency and weakness.
  • Risky activities allow boys to develop courage, strength and competence attractive to potential mates.
  • The spirit that hinders boys' maturation is anti-human and prevents full consciousness in both genders.

Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street

• Minimal Group Identification:
  • People display preference for their own group members, even when groups are formed arbitrarily.
  • Favoring one's group helps it thrive but also promotes animosity towards other groups.
• Suffering and the Limitations of Being:
  • All major religions acknowledge the reality of suffering in human existence.
  • Vulnerability and fragility are inextricably linked to what makes a person truly lovable.
  • Invulnerability, like Superman's ever-expanding powers, makes stories boring and implausible.
  • Limitation is necessary for meaningful Being and Becoming.
• Disintegration and Pain:
  • Describes his daughter Mikhaila's years-long struggle with severe juvenile arthritis.
  • Dealing with crises requires limiting worry to specific times and shifting time frames.
  • Persevering through suffering requires seeing the good in Being.
• Dogs and Cats:
  • Dogs are domesticated allies of humans, happy in the family hierarchy.
  • Cats represent an almost pure manifestation of nature and Being.
  • Encountering a cat can provide a small reminder of the wonder that might outweigh suffering.